


The Ends Justify The Jeans

by revenblue



Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [99]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Ambiguous Relationships, Canon-Typical Violence, Fursuit AU, Gen, Heinz has no idea Perry's in a fursuit, POV Third Person Omniscient, References to Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23428558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: "Ah, Perry the Platypus, so nice of you tojeanme."
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus
Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [99]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/746841
Comments: 13
Kudos: 31





	The Ends Justify The Jeans

"Ah, Perry the Platypus," Heinz began, as always, and clapped his hands together, "so nice of you to _jean_ me." A pun his nemesis merely rolled his eyes at, having, naturally, been trapped in a too-tight pair of jeans. One that had had its legs torn to shreds the week before, not that Perry needed to know that. "Get it? _Jean_ , like- like that pair of _jeans_ you're wearing. I bet you're wondering, _Heinz, what's with the jeans?_ Don't worry, I'm getting to that. It all started when I was a _baby_..."

It was at this point he went into full backstory, explaining at length that his childhood diapers were made of denim, do you know what that feels like when it gets wet, Perry the Platypus? Of course you don't, you're a _platypus_ , you don't wear _pants_. The point is, it's _not nice_.

Perry interrupted at this point with an eyeroll that said, very clearly, that he'd once worn jorts on a mission, as part of a disguise, and needed to make a hasty escape through water while wearing them. _He knew._

The wind taken out of his sails, Heinz frowned briefly, then launched into _another_ monologue about how _Roger_ had never had to deal with it. By the time Roger had been born at all, Heinz explained, their parents had managed to find cotton diapers for their second son. "And so, Perry the Platypus, _behold_!" he finished, pulling the sheet off the inator behind him with a dramatic flourish. "The Denim-inator! Any fabric I blast with _this_ baby will instantly turn into denim, causing _unbelievable_ chafing. When it's, you know, soaking wet." He turned his back on his nemesis, brows furrowed, the flaw in his scheme rapidly becoming apparent. "...I haven't figured out how _that's_ supposed to work. Maybe I should have made another _inator_."

Taking that as his cue to leap into action, Perry wriggled and arm free and unzipped the jeans. He would have done it earlier, if it hadn't been _impolite_ to interrupt an _evil monologue_ , as Heinz had complained about on many occasion, so this was his compromise.

"Then again," Heinz continued, spinning on his heel to face his nemesis once again, clapping his hands together, "everyone _knows_ it's not _fashionable_ to wear _[denim on denim](https://i.insider.com/5cf16646594ea512c8308449)_." Realising what he'd said, he slapped his forehead. " _That_ should have been my backstory, not the, the _diaper_ thing. Pretend I never mentioned that, will you?" To which Perry readily agreed. Some things, even he didn't need to know. " _So_ , unfashionable, works on all fabrics... all I need to do _now_ is blast Roger with it when he's, you know, making a _speech_ , and then everyone will _laugh_ at him. How does that sound?"

Evil. It sounded Evil.

Perry's job, when it came down to it, was straightforward. Fight Evil, save the day. And yet, over the course of his nemesisship, part of him had come to _look forward_ to whatever Evil the man had planned for the day. Another part couldn't help but feel conflicted over this shift in priorities, wonder where it would lead. Where it would end.

Regardless, this _was_ Evil, and thus Perry's job to stop it. Stepping out of the trap, he launched himself at his nemesis, kicking Heinz's hand away from the huge obvious green button.

The ensuing fight proceeded much like all their others: the two of them exchanging blows, Perry taking advantage of his well-honed mobility to keep one step away from his nemesis, Heinz eventually remembering this and running to his inator to even the odds. A routine as familiar to them both as breathing.

Letting out a well-practised Evil laugh, Heinz whirled the Denim-inator around to aim at his nemesis. "Not so _brave_ , are you?" he whooped, as Perry dodged out of the way of the first beam. "Now hold still so I can _blast_ you!"

Perry shook his head and continued running... right up until his foot got caught in the discarded jean trap. Tumbling forward, he rolled right into the path of the next blast, coming to a stop shortly afterwards. All at once, he unfurled, lying on his back with limbs outstretched, denim covering every part of him.

After a second or so to process what had happened, he kicked himself free and flung the jeans away, an act that did not noticeably reduce the amount of the fabric localised around him. Perry the Platypus had been thoroughly denim'd.

"Uh, Perry the Platypus?" Heinz tried, having rubbed his eyes more than a few times in case that would change the sight before him. Which it didn't. "You look a little, uh, _blue_ there."

Struggling to his feet, Perry tried to glare in his nemesis's direction, then looked down at his denim-covered paws. Not the fur he'd mostly grown used to, just denim, head to tail. Looking back up at Heinz, he shrugged helplessly. Apparently the Denim-inator worked on fursuits. Who knew?

Faced with the undeniable sight of his nemesis in a jursuit (jean fursuit), Heinz's mind raced, frantically putting the pieces together, until... "You mean you're _not_ a platypus?" he demanded, with an acute sense of betrayal. "Just a- a _furry_? But _Francis_ told me, he said, your _agency_ only employs _animals_ , and I'm _not_ , so they won't- But you- I can't believe you'd _lie_ to me, Perry the _Not_ A Platypus!"

Perry winced. His nemesis was right, he should have told the truth long ago, instead of hiding behind a fursuit. All he could do now was hope it wasn't too late. Pulling at his now-denim gloves, he dropped them by his feet, then reached for the zipper on his body.

As Perry shrugged out of the fursuit, Heinz stared. Pink skin, denim _boxers_ which _couldn't_ be comfortable... and a platypus bill.

For Perry had always been a platypus. The fursuit was the end result of having all the fur torn out of his body via an ill-advised O.W.C.A. pneumatic transporter, leaving him uncomfortably exposed. Fur he'd then collected and repurposed into a fursuit. He'd hoped his fur would grow back in underneath but, like Heinz's arms, it never did.

"You mean..." Heinz mumbled, and swallowed.

Perry's expression, guilt and shame and open vulnerability all twisted together, too strong to hide behind his usual stoic glare, said it all. That Perry had appearances to keep up, for his superiors especially. That he'd gone to such lengths to do so. That, most of all, he'd never wanted to disappoint Heinz.

"It's not _my_ fault, is it?" Heinz finished eventually, in case it was. "I know we _fight_ , but- I _do_ want you to _come back_ for the _next_ scheme, you know? And _this_ is not- Is there anything I can do to _fix_ it? I can't have my _nemesis_ putting up with an annoyance that's _not me_ , what will all the other evil scientists think! I have a _reputation_ to protect, here!"

Familiar with his nemesis's antics, Perry recognised this attempt to avoid the real truth for what it was, and the underlying concern for his own wellbeing that Heinz would never admit to.

Thoughts flitted across Heinz's face as he continued to monologue, bearing no resemblance to the continued faux affront pouring from his lips. Sometimes, it seemed, Heinz considered talking to be synonymous with breathing. "Oh, I know!" he exclaimed, interrupting his own monologue. "I've been making a _hair tonic_ , I mean I don't know if it works on _platypuses_ \- platypeople? Or _humans_ for that matter. But the _testing's_ going well-"

Perry nodded gratefully, gathering up his jursuit in his small arms. His nemesis may be an evil scientist, he knew, but there was no denying the man _cared_. Besides, he'd thwarted Heinz enough to know his nemesis could do anything he put his mind to... as long as it had a self-destruct button somewhere.

Offering a hand that Perry took, Heinz led them through a door and into a smaller laboratory, shelves filled with unidentifiable chemicals in unlabelled bottles, mixtures only he could understand. "Here's the latest sample," he said, plucking one off a shelf with a flourish, a translucent green liquid swirling around inside. "If it doesn't work, let me know, and I can mix up another one. Do, uh, do you need me to help you rub it on?"

This, Perry refused. He'd displayed enough unprofessional behaviour in front of his nemesis for one day. Taking the flask with an awkward grin, he disappeared into a nearby closet, shutting the door firmly and locking it behind him.

Within minutes, he walked back out, completely re-furred. Passing the now-empty flask back with a nod of appreciation, he returned to the main room, strolling up to the inator with purpose and pressing the usual self-destruct button. Couldn't let a bit of personal embarrassment stop him from doing his job, after all.

"Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" Heinz screeched, upon hearing the explosion, and ran out to see Perry on the balcony, about to jetpack off. "And let me know if you have any side-effects! If it keeps _growing_ , or _falls out_ , or- Right, you're going," he said, at Perry's glare. "See you tomorrow? You _are_ coming back, right? You are? I mean, of course you are, I never doubted for a second."

Rolling his eyes fondly at the blatant lie, Perry fired up his jetpack and left, setting off into the distance, wind ruffling through his newly-regrown fur, no longer blocked by fursuit or denim. He'd missed this.

* * *

A week later, Heinz would find Perry's denim'd boxers tucked away in a corner.

**Author's Note:**

> That's right, an AU where Heinz is human. April Fools! ~~Did you peeps really think _I'd_ write human!Perry? :P~~
> 
> The image embedded in the fic is of Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears at some award thing back in like 2001. I didn't even know about it until after I'd drafted this fic but it fit so well that I had to.
> 
> Re: canon references: the pneumatic transporter is from Perry Lays An Egg, the hair tonic is Get Back Hair from La Candace-Cabra, the reference to Heinz trying to join OWCA is a subversion of the premise of Agent Doof to fit this AU.
> 
> Perryshmirtz server in series description as always.


End file.
